I don’t think they have this much fun in Switzerland.

Let me attempt to understand this.  Nancy Pelosi said something harsh to the Republican Members of Congress, and they proceeded to have a tantrum so severe it threatened the economic viability of the country, the continent, and the world.  Or as the new PDB put it, “Republicans determined to attack within the United States.”

We need a new reality show: “Are you smarter than a Republican Member of Congress?”

I can see Pelosi standing at the microphone, wild-eyed and distraught.  “What did I say?  What did I say?!”

At the very least I thought, she must have called their mothers whores.

But no, it was worse. She had the temerity to blame the policies of the current administration for our fiscal crisis.   And frankly, if she said that to me, I’d have set myself on fire.

The European Commission said the U.S. “must show statesmanship for the sake of their own companies and for the sake of the world”—which translated from the Diplomatic means –will the United States Congress please get in touch with its inner adult. We mean now –don’t make us come in there and take away your trade allowance.

Economics has always seemed like a shell game to me. You know, where they stand on the street corner and ask you to guess under which coconut shell is the new IPO. When other girls surrounded the cute boys asking them for stock tips, I sat doodling in the corner, so I’m the first to admit that I understand practically nothing about derivatives,  guaranteed equity bonds, credit default swaps, or pari-mutuel betting (sorry— I’ve just been told that’s horse racing). But I’ve recently learned that no one else does either.  Not the bankers who sell these things, asset management gurus, investment columnists, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Undersecretary of the Treasury, Congress, or God help us, the President.

Imagine my surprise.

But a true acolyte of pure capitalism knows that understanding is not required in the temple, only worship. In due time, if no unholy restrictions or demands are placed upon it and the appropriate human sacrifices are made, the free market will correct itself, and natural order and stability will return. Undeniably true.  All disasters, natural or manmade, come to an end.  Your great-grandchildren may once again know prosperity.  They will not have to eat soylent green.

The free market apostle understands that Adam Smith is a just God and a stern God and must be obeyed.  Never regulated.  Ever.  And if bread lines and homelessness and Americans dying in the streets for lack of health care are the cost, so be it. 

And you thought you needed to be afraid of Lenin.

Ronald Reagan told us to trust in the private sector.  The private sector waved, then huddled in a corner and whispered, “Keep smiling, for Christ’s sake, but Sam here has pointed out that it’s cheaper to settle wrongful death lawsuits than to fix the problem. No one’s going to stop us.”

No one did.

So I ask you–under what coconut shell is the self-regulating, honest private business guaranteed to value the public good above profit?

Go ahead.

Guess.